The power of listening
We all want to be good listeners, but it’s not always easy. Conversations might happen when we’re not ready for them. We might be distracted – even if we’re trying not to be. But listening effectively can make a big difference, helping your tween know that they matter and they’re being heard. The Children's Society worked with BBC Children in Need to share the best ways to listen to help young people open up.
What do young people need from you?
1. Be available.
It’s an important first step to simply let your tween know you’re there if they want to talk. It’s never easy starting a conversation if something is on your mind. But if your tween knows you are available, it can help them open up. So make eye contact, find somewhere comfortable, and put away your phone. Have patience. If your tween wants to talk, it might take them several tries to find the words or feel ready for the conversation. Don’t rush things. Go at their pace. Let them tell you the details that are most important to them. And try to limit your questions to ones that clarify details.
2. Don’t diminish issues.
A problem that might not seem big to you could be very big to your tween. So be careful to avoid telling them ‘It’s nothing to get upset about’ or that ‘It’ll all blow over’. Instead, make sure you show you take their feelings and their problems seriously. Acknowledge that their worries matter.
Use open questions
3. Use open questions.
A closed question is one that leads to a yes or no answer. Like ‘Are you feeling unhappy?’ or ‘Are you worried?’ Closed questions tend to shut conversations down. Open questions do the opposite. Asking ‘How are you feeling?’ or ‘What’s been on your mind lately?’ can encourage your tween to talk and show you’re listening. So stick with open questions.
Be careful with tone & advice
4. Be careful with your tone.
The way you speak can have a big impact on how comfortable your tween feels talking about worries and concerns. Try to focus on being warm, open, calm, and respectful. As one young person explained it to us: “Just be chill about it. Take it seriously but don’t make the conversation tense.” Reflect back what’s said to you. Repeating back important parts of the conversation shows you’re listening and you value what’s being said.
5. Be careful with advice.
Being a good listener doesn’t mean jumping in with advice and suggestions. It means giving the other person space to reflect and to think about how they move forward. And it means understanding people respond differently to different situations. There will be times when your tween asks for advice, though. When that happens, try and think about how you like to be given advice yourself.
Don't need to fill the silence
6. Don’t feel you need to fill silence.
Sitting quietly shows someone you’re giving them your time. It can help your tween pause to find the right words, too. In fact, silence can be one of the most powerful listening tools of all, making it another thing to think about as you focus on listening well.
