How can hiding sexuality affect a young person?

From familial and societal pressures to internal conflict, there are numerous reasons why young people might struggle to come out, and instead hide their sexuality. 

Exclusion 

Many young people fear being bullied or excluded after coming out to family, friends or classmates about their sexuality. Despite society becoming more accepting than it was in the past, homophobia is still a big issue, and members of the LGBTQ+ community still face discrimination, harassment, and risk being isolated.  

Threat of conversion therapy 

7% of LGBTQ+ young people in the UK reported being threatened with conversion therapy and 9% reported being subjected to conversion therapy ever in the past. Conversion therapy is an attempt to change someone's sexual orientation or gender identity by trying to stop them from being gay, or from identifying as a different gender to the sex they were born as. 

Shockingly, despite being discredited and harmful, conversion therapy remains legal in the UK. As a result, young people in extreme environments may face the threat of conversion therapy, and choose to hide their identity rather than face the possibility of that. 

Traditional views 

Traditional values can provide a strong sense of community and belonging that many young people find deeply meaningful. However, growing up in a particularly traditional upbringing can sometimes create challenges for LGBTQ+ young people. Strict interpretations of values can lead to the fear of the above – a fear of rejection or being threatened with conversion therapy. But it can also lead to feelings of guilt and self-suppression.  

If a child is taught that homosexuality and anything outside the cisgender, heterosexual norm is unacceptable, they can internalise that messaging. This can lead to self-doubt and internal conflict about who they are, making it harder to accept themselves. As a result, young people might hide their identity, not out of choice, but because they believe it may not be accepted by their peers and loved ones. 

The fear of external reactions, combined with internal conflict, can cause a decline in young people’s mental health. Growing up with negative attitudes around sexuality can lead to internalised homophobia, resulting in intense guilt or shame about who they are, and hiding it even deeper. 

Young people suppressing their sexuality can lead to low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, loneliness, and even troubles sleeping and eating.  

When a young person does come out, it should always be on their terms. Coming out does not always mean telling everyone at once - it can look like telling only the people closest to them, in stages and at paces that feel most comfortable. When that decision and control is taken away, young people can feel betrayed, overwhelmed, and isolated. 
 

The key thing to remember as a parent and carer is that a young person discovering who they are is an important part of growing up, and it can be a stressful experience, sometimes lonely. They might feel hesitant to express themselves for fear of being dismissed or rejected.  

Ensuring your child feels supported means checking in and listening to them. Listen to their feelings, make them feel heard, and don’t interrupt or project emotions onto them. Letting them process and feel safe as they do will make them feel accepted and understood.  

It can also help to learn more about LGBTQ+ experiences, through reading the news about current issues, reading or watching real people’s stories, or by talking to friends and family who might have had similar experiences. 

If a young person is really struggling, remind them that it’s okay to ask for support. You could recommend organisations and helplines or go with them to an appointment.  

The crucial thing is to accept your child as they are and let them know that you do.